How Bad Is It?

Has your marriage reached that point where it is just so bad you want out? Do you come home everyday just wishing that he or she wouldn't be there anymore? At the same time are you worried about the kids, the finances, what would it be like if there were a divorce or separation?

That is rough. That is the hardest way to live there is. You have my sympathy.

There are no perfect solutions to these kinds of situations. Honestly there just aren't. But there are some things that you can do to find happiness. There are also some pitfalls to be avoided at all costs.

First the do's

1 - Take care of yourself. Take care of yourself physically, mentally and spiritually. I'm not talking about the selfish kind of put yourself first before everything else I'm talking about the get off your butt and live a healthy life kind of take care of yourself.
2 - Serve others. Do something kind for someone else. If you can't bring yourself to serve your spouse at this point then what about your children? Your friends? Give of yourself and you will find yourself forgetting your problems.
3 - Forget what you want. Understand that you are not in control of the situation. In fact the only thing you can hope to control is your own actions. So go back to step #1 and take care of yourself.
4 - If you can and want to - show kindness to your spouse (not the fake kind but real sincere kindness) and show that same kindness to yourself and others.
5 - Finally, seek professional help both for yourself and for others. Speak to a qualified counselor and if you have access to one a caring spiritual advisor as well.

Now the don'ts
1 - Don't fight. Contention will make you unhappy. This is an article in itself but the bottom line is nobody wins in a fight.
2 - Don't turn to alchohol, drugs, or sex to soothe your hurt. If there is one guarantee in life it is that these will make the situation worse and quite probably lead to very serious life-long problems.
3- Don't ignore yourself.
4 - Don't expect a simple or easy solution.
5 - Don't go spending money you don't have. Toys won't make you happy either but the financial burden will cause additional problems.

Managing Financial Strain in a Marriage

In these tough economic times financial strain can be very hard on a relationship. This can really come to the fore during special occaisions like mother's day, father's day, and birthdays or anniversaries. Sometimes there just isn't enough money to go around or at least it seems that way.

The biggest rule to remember is that your relationship is more important than the "things" in your life. Or at least it should be. Your spouse is more important (and will certainly be with you longer) than the latest video game, the new summer dress, the latest movie or CD. All too often couples find themselves in financial difficulty simply because they spend more on weddings, dating or having fun than they should and very often these spending habits continue for far longer than they really need to. Learning to do fun things together like taking walks, playing cards or other inexpensive activities can really help reduce strain on the budget as well as remind you that you actually do like spending time with each other.

Another huge problem that often comes up is a lack of transparency about money in the relationship. Do you know where all the money is? Does your spouse? Is one of you taking an unfair burden managing the finances? Is it causing him or her stress that they are not comfortable talking about? Or are they worried that things are as good as you keep telling them? Being completely open and honest about money can be difficult at first but it will create a dimension of honesty and fairness that can't be reached any other way. Very often it will help alleviate other problems as well.

Respect in Intimacy

These days there are a lot of options for finding information regarding intimate relationships. Most of them are crude and full of misconceptions. Allowing oneself to indulge in the wrong kinds of information can bring lasting hardship to a relationship.

Intimate relations, like other aspects of a marriage need to be carried out with a solid measure of respect and admiration. There is no room here for selfishness. The danger of causing lasting emotional damage is far too great for that. Rather approaching intimacy with an attitude of seeking only to please rather than to be pleased will help ensure a level of confidence and respect that will bring lasting returns.

The idea that a person is an object, only to be used selfishly can manifest itself very clearly during intimacy. This often is an extension of an attitude that permeates other areas of the relationship, but which here leaves deep and lasting scars. These frustrations can build into very damaging feelings that can ultimately ruin the relationship.

Manage Your Stress

One of the more difficult things that happens to all of us sooner or later is that we will have so much going on in our lives that it begins to overwhelm us.

At these times it becomes particularly easy to take our stresses out on others. This can take the form of harsh words or acts. Snapping, yelling, or lashing out at those we care about. More often though it becomes an excuse for neglecting responsibilities and simply ignoring those we should care about the most.

Video games, television, movies and even books can be a useful outlet, but can also be harmful obsessions. Spending hours upon hours in front of the computer with no useful gain while shirking chores and other responsibilities at home or at work will only lead to increased strife within our relationships. In some cases this need to escape can lead to truly ruinous habits such as drugs, alcohol or gambling.

Learning to manage the stresses that we encounter can lead to more positive results. One of the keys to handling this in a postive way is learning to identify those times in our lives when stresses are increased. It could be specific events at work, school or at home that make us feel like we just need to escape. Identifying these "triggers" will let you know when you should make a change.

Learning to communicate these triggers and your stresses to those around you in ways that do not threaten is also important. If, for example you have had a very bad day then learning to let people know and asking for a short break to deal with it will be better understood than escaping into cyberspace for hours and becoming physically and emotionally unavailable. Be sure not to abuse these little breaks or they can begin to cause resentment as well.

Toning Down The Decibel Level

There are homes out there (from apartments to shacks to mansions) where there is altogether too much of the wrong kinds of noise. I’m not talking about playing the music too loudly. There is a time and place for that. I’m talking about the voices raised in unkind words towards spouse and offspring.

Are there really any words that need an increase in volume in order to make them more effective? Does anyone you know really respond better when they are shouted at?

Most of use really hate being yelled at. It makes us feel belittled and puts us on the defensive. The verbal assault can be more devastating to our self esteem than any other failure we experience in life.

If this is common in your home, then the challenge would be to go through a day or two or three or a month without raising your voice above a normal speaking tone, as if you were addressing your boss or a police man or some other person to whom yelling would bring dire consequences.

Gratitude For Your Spouse

Are you grateful for your spouse? After the time you have spent, are you thankful that he or she was there for you? Are you grateful that they work or clean or tend to children? Have you thought about that little task that they did which they didn’t really have to do?

Did you say thank you?

Did you respond in kind?

Do you work just as hard to make things nice at home?

Showing gratitude to any person is a sign of respect and admiration. Over the years it is very easy to get used to a person or to simply come to expect that they will accomplish their tasks without prompting. The grind of the daily routine does not make it any easier or any more commonplace. Each individual still deserves a measure of gratitude.

Leave a Note For Your Spouse

The challenge of the day is to leave a little note for your loved one. It need not be something large or elaborate, but something special and dear to the both of you.

Place it somewhere it will be found as a surprise. There is no need to be obvious about it or to make a big deal (especially if this is something new for you). Just leave it where it will be found and let nature take its course.

Take time to make it as special as you can. If you have only a few minutes, then use them as best you can. If you have an hour, then pour a bit more of your heart into it. Perhaps a touch or scent or color will help.

Whatever you do, make it personal and offer it up with devotion and care.